Write about the following topic:
Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters(such as food,clothes and entertainment)is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes.Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
It is argued that children having freedom in everyday matters grow up to be selfish individuals while others believe that it is necessary that young ones have a say on issues that have a direct impact on their lives. this essay will discuss both these views before reaching a reasonable conclusion.
Some say that if children are given the opportunity to make decisions in their daily lives,it will turn them into self centered members of the society. The core of the argument is that, if at such tender age, they start deciding for themselves what they want to do,eat or wear and play with, it would make them overlook their parents or guardians wishes. Because a child is not yet mentally mature enough to understand the possible impacts of his choices, he may put himself in danger by not listening to some one more experienced than him. Ultimately, having the choice to do whatever and however he wants, such a child would grow up to be a selfish person who only makes choices to please himself with no regards for anybody else. This is not a healthy attitude and such egocentric individuals will have a negative impact on the society they live in.
For instance,in most Western nations, young ones have relatively greater freedom to make choices in their everyday tasks as compared to Asian children. This has cultivated a self obsessed attitude in children of the former countries leading to a dysfunctional and self absorbed society.
Others, however, stipulate that it is important to allow children to have a say regarding matters that affect them directly. This is vital as it not only leads to their intellectual development but also makes them self reliant and builds confidence. A current study in United States revealed that children who were given freedom to make decisions for themselves in various daily activities performed 62% better at group projects at school. This led the researchers to conclude that these children had better communication skills and were more confident and decisive.
To conclude, i firmly believe that it is crucial that young children be allowed to make decisions on matters concerning them to a certain extent in order to build their confidence and independence. However, guardian supervision is necessary to prevent them from completely becoming self serving individuals as they grow up.
TA – what is a “reasonable” conclusion? Where have you seen that collocation? Where are your “relevant” examples? The first example is far too general and your assumption is very ‘general’. I don’t follow the rationale of the research findings in your other example// CC – you begin a sentence with “Because”! Para 3 is only 2 sentences and is an example. This suggests you have written too much & lost control of organisation. This is a pity because you have good use of cohesion// LR – totally appropriate (apart from “reasonable conclusion)// G – I’ll ignore the punctuation error in the introduction. An adequate range of grammar structures
So, I’d say:
//TA – 6
// CC – 6 (very closs to 7+)
// LR – 8
// G – 9
//Overall = 7.0.