Write about the following topic:In many schools, sport and exercise classes are being replaced by academic subjects.What is your opinion about this?What are it’s effects on children’s lives?
The movement of replacing physical activity related classes to course specific ones have become a topic of hot debate amongst individuals. I am of the belief that it has far-reaching negative implications. In this essay, the significant impacts like reduced overall development along with remaining unaware of the hidden talents of younger generations, will be discussed, before reaching a cogent conclusion.
To begin with, the elimination of body related exercises is harmful for a number of reasons. First of all, the students will be busy with their studies all the time, which in turn, would cause hindrance in their overall growth. As a result, they will lack interpersonal skills, which are quite important in this competitive world. For instance, a recent study showed that the children who participates in physical exercises, outperform in their studies as well. Thus, it is quite safe to say that for the complete growth of children in all aspects, inclusion of physical sports classes, is mandatory.
In addition to this, the hidden talents in children will remain unexplored with the exclusion of body related activities. A consequence would be that they will never come to know about their real interests and talents. With this, they would not be able to achieve greater heights and contribute for the well-being of society. For example, the former captain of Indian Cricket team, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, got to know his real passion, while he was playing a friendly match. With his friends. Therefore, sports and exercise classes hold a significant importance in exploring the unseen talents of children.
To conclude, it is crystal clear from the above discussion that the unforeseeable negative impacts of excluding physical activity classes requires special attention. Hence, I believe that there should be sports and exercise classes and their exclusion is highly discouraged.
Don’t write “cogent” conclusion.TA – what are “body related exercises”? In para 2 where’s the “relevant example”? How can you be sure the reader is following your train of thought if you don;t help them? “is mandatory”? But it isn’t because “sport and exercise classes are being replaced”, Do you mean “should be mandatory”? I honestly don’t understand the topic sentence of para 3. “Hidden talents” could mean anything. Help the reader by using language that would mean something to a native speaker.”it is crystal clear “? It is as clear as mud// CC – To begin with/First of all/Thus, = mechanical. Fortunately, there is also good cohesion (which in turn) & para 3 is considerably better// LR – there are some natural phrases (but they are also cliches that don’t help the development of your argument and could be used in any essay so I make the decision that they are memorised. They certainly aren’t used skilfully (it is quite safe to say /it is crystal clear), And “a significant importance” & “highly discouraged.” are not strong collocation// G – “impact” is uncountable. Verb patterns & sentence patterns are correct/accurate but is there variety? Conditional sentences? The passive? Participle clauses?
So, I’d say:
//TA – 6 (too general & the points you make are limited. Yet there is only
//CC – 7 (‘just’)
//LR – 6 (it could easily be boosted to 7+)
//G – 8 (7 & is possible)
//Overall = a borderline 7.0.