Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss and give your opinion.
Bringing up children is huge and an important responsibility on parents. Indeed, the first teacher of human beings are the parents. Children start to learn at a very young age. It is the dire duty of the parents to teach their children efficient morals of society. If they are kept concerned about themselves, undoubtedly, they will end up becoming stubborn and selfish in their everyday matters. The development of conscience makes the difference and it is necessary for an adequate character building children.
There is an appropriate age to give a free hand to the young ones. If a child is set free to handle the matters of daily concerns, there is always a risk for the occurrence of any hazard. A five years old, if allowed to have plenty of junk food, can end up having morbid obesity. The character of freedom of will at an immature age may leave the children wandering in the whirl of their own choices and as a result, the ability to feel for other members of the society takes a back seat.
Decision making is a critical and a difficult task. Even the adults remain at verge of making mistakes while deciding anything. Comparatively, a child has greater tendency to make wrong decisions because they lack the ability to understand the pros and cons of any matter and putting them to the risk of manipulation is not a wise idea.
The development of a wise conscience is the mainstay of one’s ample character building. Parents possess the heavy responsibility of bringing up their children mature enough to distinguish right from wrong. Therefore, I believe that having a soft corner for other people is necessary for the efficient development of one’s character. Children who grow up learning good morals will definitely make a noble and decent community.
TA – where is the introduction? You need to show the examiner that you fully understand the question. Is “discuss and give your opinion” an authentic question instruction? It would normally be “discuss both sides” or “to what extent do you agree/disagree”. I hope this q isn’t from IELTS Liz! Task 2 also asks you to “give reasons and relevant examples..”, The main problem is that I don’t understand what a “soft corner” is so I can’t understand why you hold your particular opinion, which has to limit the band//CC – How do I know that you have finished? The writing flows and none of the linking devices you use are intrusive but I feel “discuss” is not a typical IELTS instruction so your style may not be appropriate// LR – there is evidence of collocation but I’m going to be strict (mainly because of “soft corner”. Where have you ever seen a native speaker use “wandering in the whirl of their own choices”? Remember that you are aiming for natural language usage. But “the ability to feel for other members of the society takes a back seat.” is 8 or 9// G – you lack control of articles so that automatically limits the band. I don’t see a lot of errors. but the style is clumsy in places
So, I’d say:
//TA – 6 (a bit strict?)
// CC – 8 (but it would be more difficult to emulate this in an “orthodox IELTS T2 q)
// LR – 7 ? (but it could be 6.You are supposed to be writing an academic essay, not poetry)
// G – 7
//Overall = 7.0 (but I’m not happy with the question instruction).